My day used to begin quite early. Not because I am a morning person but because any later than 7:00 AM and I would miss my office bus from Egmore to Sholinganallore and that is one long and tiring commute in the sweltering summers of Chennai (erstwhile Madras). I would be required to use a combination of auto-rickshaws and City Bus to reach my destination that seemed like at the other end of planet. Lack of knowledeg of local language would just add on to my misery. So even if it meant that I'd have to do more than half of my ablutions at work, I decided to take the morning office bus everyday and spend the more than and hour long commute sitting peacefully in one place.
I am not much of a social person. Not because I dont want to be but I guess I lack the skills and tastes needed to make one a socially acceptable, if not hit, personality. Consequently I could never be a part of the small groups of boys and girls (or men and women) in the bus who spend their commute hours in highly energetic ways by playing Dumb-C and other such games. Men probably played because it looked like a good way of getting to know women and impress them and I dont know why women played. Maybe for the similar reasons but then when it comes to women, I'd like to reserve my thoughts as with them my assumptions always goes wrong.
Since I was highly inept at such social games like Dumb-C and at the same time I did not want to appear dumb, I picked up a solo activitiy like solving crosswords during my commute. Initially the clues never made sense but over a period time and after constantly reading and figuring out the solutions, the whole game became very interesting. And once I could solve some of the clues myself, that was it. I started getting pleasure from my otherwise bored and dragged life. I suddenly started waiting anxiously for the morning because mornings brought the newspaper and the newpaper had the cross word in it. Words started to have a new meaning for me."Cat's lip is moulded into shape (7)" meant "plastic" for me. "Sweet or sour(4)" and I instatntly though "tart".The commute to work was the most exciting part of the day. The whole day in office, as drag and laggard as over, would get over soon in the anticipation of getting back in the bus and continue working on the crossword. Life now appeared little bit meaningful and I started to get a feel of accomplishment that I never new existed in my job. I found a friend within myself that I would keep talking to and discussing what each clue meant. People thought it was weird but I enjoyed it as long as the clues were getting solved.
During one of those happy mornings and when I was deeply engrossed doing my crossword on my way to office, the bus stopped at one of its scheduled stop to pick other passengers. By now, I had known all the regular commuters by atleast by face and it was such a mundane activity that it attracted no attention. But then just after all the passengers had gotten aboard and just before the bus started to move, the entire interior of the bus seemed engulfed in a mesmerising aroma that made every head turn up. There she was standing right behind my project mate Kavita, wearing a lemon yellow dress, a bemused, bewildered and nervous look on her face, clutching a file very tightly between her arm and body and trying to very carfully find her way thru the aisle talking to my project mate. I dont think I had seen a more beautiful thing all my life and feeling too conscious about it, I submerged myself back in the crossword trying hard not to look up. "I made the plan smooth (5)". I just couldnt get "plain" not because it was a tough clue but my concentration had just felt a big jolt.
"Excuse me", I heard the sweetest voice ever, "Can I sit here?"
I looked up and then at the empty seat next to mine and then at her and any words failed to get out of my mouth. She tried to force a benign smile and I mustered up all my courage again and said "yes, sure". The air around me was filled with sweet perfume and looked like my heart suddenly started pumping extra blood. Time seemed to have come to a standstill and despite all my efforts, I was just not able to concentrate on the crossword.
"Plain", she said.
"huh", I asked looking at her but avoiding an eye contact.
"I think 7 down is plain". I looked at the crossword again and then at her and then again at the crossword. "Thanks, but I would have gotten it anyway". I have no idea what made me say that. My male ego maybe. And I regretted saying something so stupid in my head a million times. She laughed. It looked like pearls fell all over. "I am sure you would have". I looked at her identity card hanging from her neck and looked at the employee number and mentally calculated it to be 5368 more than mine. She got to be a new joinee with such a large employee number, I told myself. Neither of us spoke till the rest of the journey. Just about the time when were to get off, I asked her, "Never seen you before in this bus". She said, "yeah, I am new around and joined recently. This is the first day after my joining formalities". "Oh,ok, well, welcome aboard. I am Atul", I said patriarchically as if I was the CEO of the company. "Hi Atul, I am Shehnaz. But my friends call me Naz" She replied and we both parted our ways towards our respective office buildings.
The whole of the day I kept dreaming about her. Hoping to bump into her during lunch, during coffee breaks or anywhere. Like a stupid stalked I even went to the human resources area with a lame excuses hoping to see her because all the new joinees usually gather their but in vain. I anxiously waited for the day to end and ran to my seat in the bus hoping to catch her but again, nothing happened. My hopes did not shatter till the bus actually started to move and got out of the company campus. I kept on looking outside the window in search of some lemon yellow visuals but looked like all the forces of nature had decided to work against me. I gave up all the hopes of seeing her again and took out the unfinished crossword. With a dejected look I reached the home, switched on another idiot box called Television and I dont know at what time I slept off.
By next day I had completely forgotten about her and the rituals of the day were repeating themselves and yes, everything repeated itself. A sudden joy crossed my heart leaving a smile on my lips. I dont know why but I sort of felt angry, irritated and happy at the same time. She recognized me, waved at me and sat next to me. Trying to control all my emotions, I asked her, "Did you take a different bus on the way back, dint see you yesterday". "Oh, yesterday..my friends had come to pick me up, and so I went with them, but today I think I'd be going back in this bus only". I gave an acknowledging smile and took out the cross word. She smiled back and gave a glance at the crossword. "Stuck anywhere?", she asked teasingly. "Bet you cant do this one", I sort of challenged her. "Try me" was her response. "Is lorry hit violently (6)". She started pondering and asked if I had any inbetween alphabets to offer to which I refused.
"Struck, yes, thats what it is. S-Truck.", she said with a winning smile. I was mightily impressed. We worked a few more clues till we reached office and then bade good bye to each other and walked towards our respective offices.
The pathetic and miserable condition of my life suddenly improved. I was not lonely any more and had a friend who was very intelligent and very beautiful. For a lot many days, our interactions were limited to the sojourns in the bus on the way to office and back and solving crosswords. I often wanted to ask her out but never had the courage. The fear of rejection always overpowered me. Though I had never seen her with any other man (or any other woman for that matter, she seemed as lonely as me) I always thought of the worst. Maybe she is married. Or if not married, atleast engaged or atleast had a boy friend. I mean such a beautiful and intelligent girl can not be single. The fear of the answer was so high that I never asked the question to her. Though it was the crosswords that bound us, yet With every passing day, our closeness increased and increased the knowledge we had about each other. We told each other about our past lives. Our likes, dislikes and everything that we could share about each other. She liked Italian food and I liked spicy Indian. Her favourite actor was Mel Gibson and her favorite holiday destiantion was Solomon Islands. We would spend our journey time chatting and laughing with each other while solving the crossword and for us, the rest of the crowd in the bus did not exist. I am sure the feeling was mutual and they never bothered to talk to me or to her.
I had never ran into her at any other place than the bus, thanks to the huge campus my company had. Somehow she vanished once we reached the office and then suddenly reappeared when we had to board the bus back. But it never mattered to me. For me the time we spent together was enough. Evenings after reaching home, I'd look forward for the morning and once reaching office, I would look forward for the evening again. Whatever happened in between never bothered me.
One day I decided to ask her for lunch.
As usual, I got in the bus and reached my usual seat that morning. There were plenty of butterflies churning in my stomach and I was debating with myself whether to ask her or not. Trying to relax myself, I thought of asking her out in an interesting manner i.e. via crossword clues. The thought made a smile cross my lips. I was sure she'd be smart enough to understand my game and if she had to turn down my request, it would be done cryptically instead of being a direct no. That may help me cushion my fall, I thought. I started creating some clues in my mind and was preparing myself while waiting for her to get in the bus. She got in at her usual time and came to sit next to me. After exchanging the morning pleasantaries, I asked her, "hey, up for some clues I created?".
"you created some clues??" she laughed and I was once again head over heels in love. I mean, I had heard that no one is perfect but here perfection was right in front of me. Regaining my composure and trying not to appear "drooling", I said "yes, do you have the guts to solve them?". She gladly accepted my challenge. "OK. Lets see what you have created".
"Here comes the fist clue - crunch, munch a substitute of brunch (5)".
She did not take much time to say lunch.
"Bingo. OK. Here comes the next one".
Before I could ask the next clue, she asked me "Are you asking me out for lunch??" I was flabbergasted. Words suddenly decided not to come out of my mouth and my I felt breathlessness for a moment. Gathering all my courage I replied the question by another question, "Would it be such a werid thought?". She laughed and said "Ofcourse not, lets meet for lunch at cafeteria at 12:30" and the bus had reached the office by that time. Both of us, as usual, got out and parted our ways. I told to myself how easy it was and kept wondering why I was being so foolish all this while.
That was the longest wait I had ever done for lunch break. I reached the cafeteria at the noon time itself and kept anxiuosly waiting for the love of my life to come. The time seemed moving at a snail's pace, but the good part was that it was moving. After what looked like an eternity, I looked at my watch the millionth time to see it was finally half past noon and now any moment I would be having the best lunch I have ever had. I tried to look for a familiar face in the crowd of people getting in the cafeteria but couldnt find any. I told myself maybe she is busy with some work. Any moment now and she would arrive. The clock suddenly moved faster now and so grew my impatience. 12:40 and no sign of her. 12:45, still I was sitting alone in the cafeteria without any food and appearing foolish.
At 1:15 PM I finally decided to give up and leave for my office. The hunger had vanished long time back. With heavy heart and weak knees, I got up from my chair and was about to leave that I heard a woman's voice calling my name.
"Atul ??".
I looked back and saw Kavita looking with amusement towards me.
"How come you are in a social place like cafeteria today? Dont you eat your lunch at your desk?" I said, "I was to meet someone but looks like now she will not come."
"Hmm..anyone from our project or anyone I know?", she inquired. I was in a dilemma whether to tell her or not but then knowing that she was the only one I had ever seen speaking to Naz, I thought of telling it to her hoping it might give some clue about Naz as well.
"Yeah, Actually you know her. I was waitng for Naz. We decided to have lunch together today", I replied.
She looked little puzzled as if trying to lay stress on her memory and said in soliloquish manner, "Naz..?? Who??".
"Shehnaz, the girl who gets in our bus from your stop with you" I said trying to aid her memory.
"My stop??". She strained further on her memory. "There is no girl other than me from my stop. There was this one girl who came for one day, mmm.. Oh..ya. I remember now. Her name was Shehnaz. But she came only on the first day and that day evening she told me that she did not like it here and had actually quit the same day. I never saw her after that. Where did you see her?"
I felt like the earth moving under my legs. Trying to calm myself I told her,
" Dont joke Kavita, she boards the bus everyday and sits with me in the bus".
"Atul, are you all right? Everyday I see you sitting alone in the bus while doing your crossword and you appear so busy as if talking to your ownself and so happy about it that, and even though
I hate it but, some people actually make fun of you", Kavita said in a concerned voice.
I felt a shock that I can not describe. I felt so dizzy that I thought I might actually faint. Without saying anything to Kavita and leaving her in a daze too, I came back to my seat, took out today's crossword, went outside again and burnt it.
I never solved a crossword since then and I never saw Naz after that.
I am not much of a social person. Not because I dont want to be but I guess I lack the skills and tastes needed to make one a socially acceptable, if not hit, personality. Consequently I could never be a part of the small groups of boys and girls (or men and women) in the bus who spend their commute hours in highly energetic ways by playing Dumb-C and other such games. Men probably played because it looked like a good way of getting to know women and impress them and I dont know why women played. Maybe for the similar reasons but then when it comes to women, I'd like to reserve my thoughts as with them my assumptions always goes wrong.
Since I was highly inept at such social games like Dumb-C and at the same time I did not want to appear dumb, I picked up a solo activitiy like solving crosswords during my commute. Initially the clues never made sense but over a period time and after constantly reading and figuring out the solutions, the whole game became very interesting. And once I could solve some of the clues myself, that was it. I started getting pleasure from my otherwise bored and dragged life. I suddenly started waiting anxiously for the morning because mornings brought the newspaper and the newpaper had the cross word in it. Words started to have a new meaning for me."Cat's lip is moulded into shape (7)" meant "plastic" for me. "Sweet or sour(4)" and I instatntly though "tart".The commute to work was the most exciting part of the day. The whole day in office, as drag and laggard as over, would get over soon in the anticipation of getting back in the bus and continue working on the crossword. Life now appeared little bit meaningful and I started to get a feel of accomplishment that I never new existed in my job. I found a friend within myself that I would keep talking to and discussing what each clue meant. People thought it was weird but I enjoyed it as long as the clues were getting solved.
During one of those happy mornings and when I was deeply engrossed doing my crossword on my way to office, the bus stopped at one of its scheduled stop to pick other passengers. By now, I had known all the regular commuters by atleast by face and it was such a mundane activity that it attracted no attention. But then just after all the passengers had gotten aboard and just before the bus started to move, the entire interior of the bus seemed engulfed in a mesmerising aroma that made every head turn up. There she was standing right behind my project mate Kavita, wearing a lemon yellow dress, a bemused, bewildered and nervous look on her face, clutching a file very tightly between her arm and body and trying to very carfully find her way thru the aisle talking to my project mate. I dont think I had seen a more beautiful thing all my life and feeling too conscious about it, I submerged myself back in the crossword trying hard not to look up. "I made the plan smooth (5)". I just couldnt get "plain" not because it was a tough clue but my concentration had just felt a big jolt.
"Excuse me", I heard the sweetest voice ever, "Can I sit here?"
I looked up and then at the empty seat next to mine and then at her and any words failed to get out of my mouth. She tried to force a benign smile and I mustered up all my courage again and said "yes, sure". The air around me was filled with sweet perfume and looked like my heart suddenly started pumping extra blood. Time seemed to have come to a standstill and despite all my efforts, I was just not able to concentrate on the crossword.
"Plain", she said.
"huh", I asked looking at her but avoiding an eye contact.
"I think 7 down is plain". I looked at the crossword again and then at her and then again at the crossword. "Thanks, but I would have gotten it anyway". I have no idea what made me say that. My male ego maybe. And I regretted saying something so stupid in my head a million times. She laughed. It looked like pearls fell all over. "I am sure you would have". I looked at her identity card hanging from her neck and looked at the employee number and mentally calculated it to be 5368 more than mine. She got to be a new joinee with such a large employee number, I told myself. Neither of us spoke till the rest of the journey. Just about the time when were to get off, I asked her, "Never seen you before in this bus". She said, "yeah, I am new around and joined recently. This is the first day after my joining formalities". "Oh,ok, well, welcome aboard. I am Atul", I said patriarchically as if I was the CEO of the company. "Hi Atul, I am Shehnaz. But my friends call me Naz" She replied and we both parted our ways towards our respective office buildings.
The whole of the day I kept dreaming about her. Hoping to bump into her during lunch, during coffee breaks or anywhere. Like a stupid stalked I even went to the human resources area with a lame excuses hoping to see her because all the new joinees usually gather their but in vain. I anxiously waited for the day to end and ran to my seat in the bus hoping to catch her but again, nothing happened. My hopes did not shatter till the bus actually started to move and got out of the company campus. I kept on looking outside the window in search of some lemon yellow visuals but looked like all the forces of nature had decided to work against me. I gave up all the hopes of seeing her again and took out the unfinished crossword. With a dejected look I reached the home, switched on another idiot box called Television and I dont know at what time I slept off.
By next day I had completely forgotten about her and the rituals of the day were repeating themselves and yes, everything repeated itself. A sudden joy crossed my heart leaving a smile on my lips. I dont know why but I sort of felt angry, irritated and happy at the same time. She recognized me, waved at me and sat next to me. Trying to control all my emotions, I asked her, "Did you take a different bus on the way back, dint see you yesterday". "Oh, yesterday..my friends had come to pick me up, and so I went with them, but today I think I'd be going back in this bus only". I gave an acknowledging smile and took out the cross word. She smiled back and gave a glance at the crossword. "Stuck anywhere?", she asked teasingly. "Bet you cant do this one", I sort of challenged her. "Try me" was her response. "Is lorry hit violently (6)". She started pondering and asked if I had any inbetween alphabets to offer to which I refused.
"Struck, yes, thats what it is. S-Truck.", she said with a winning smile. I was mightily impressed. We worked a few more clues till we reached office and then bade good bye to each other and walked towards our respective offices.
The pathetic and miserable condition of my life suddenly improved. I was not lonely any more and had a friend who was very intelligent and very beautiful. For a lot many days, our interactions were limited to the sojourns in the bus on the way to office and back and solving crosswords. I often wanted to ask her out but never had the courage. The fear of rejection always overpowered me. Though I had never seen her with any other man (or any other woman for that matter, she seemed as lonely as me) I always thought of the worst. Maybe she is married. Or if not married, atleast engaged or atleast had a boy friend. I mean such a beautiful and intelligent girl can not be single. The fear of the answer was so high that I never asked the question to her. Though it was the crosswords that bound us, yet With every passing day, our closeness increased and increased the knowledge we had about each other. We told each other about our past lives. Our likes, dislikes and everything that we could share about each other. She liked Italian food and I liked spicy Indian. Her favourite actor was Mel Gibson and her favorite holiday destiantion was Solomon Islands. We would spend our journey time chatting and laughing with each other while solving the crossword and for us, the rest of the crowd in the bus did not exist. I am sure the feeling was mutual and they never bothered to talk to me or to her.
I had never ran into her at any other place than the bus, thanks to the huge campus my company had. Somehow she vanished once we reached the office and then suddenly reappeared when we had to board the bus back. But it never mattered to me. For me the time we spent together was enough. Evenings after reaching home, I'd look forward for the morning and once reaching office, I would look forward for the evening again. Whatever happened in between never bothered me.
One day I decided to ask her for lunch.
As usual, I got in the bus and reached my usual seat that morning. There were plenty of butterflies churning in my stomach and I was debating with myself whether to ask her or not. Trying to relax myself, I thought of asking her out in an interesting manner i.e. via crossword clues. The thought made a smile cross my lips. I was sure she'd be smart enough to understand my game and if she had to turn down my request, it would be done cryptically instead of being a direct no. That may help me cushion my fall, I thought. I started creating some clues in my mind and was preparing myself while waiting for her to get in the bus. She got in at her usual time and came to sit next to me. After exchanging the morning pleasantaries, I asked her, "hey, up for some clues I created?".
"you created some clues??" she laughed and I was once again head over heels in love. I mean, I had heard that no one is perfect but here perfection was right in front of me. Regaining my composure and trying not to appear "drooling", I said "yes, do you have the guts to solve them?". She gladly accepted my challenge. "OK. Lets see what you have created".
"Here comes the fist clue - crunch, munch a substitute of brunch (5)".
She did not take much time to say lunch.
"Bingo. OK. Here comes the next one".
Before I could ask the next clue, she asked me "Are you asking me out for lunch??" I was flabbergasted. Words suddenly decided not to come out of my mouth and my I felt breathlessness for a moment. Gathering all my courage I replied the question by another question, "Would it be such a werid thought?". She laughed and said "Ofcourse not, lets meet for lunch at cafeteria at 12:30" and the bus had reached the office by that time. Both of us, as usual, got out and parted our ways. I told to myself how easy it was and kept wondering why I was being so foolish all this while.
That was the longest wait I had ever done for lunch break. I reached the cafeteria at the noon time itself and kept anxiuosly waiting for the love of my life to come. The time seemed moving at a snail's pace, but the good part was that it was moving. After what looked like an eternity, I looked at my watch the millionth time to see it was finally half past noon and now any moment I would be having the best lunch I have ever had. I tried to look for a familiar face in the crowd of people getting in the cafeteria but couldnt find any. I told myself maybe she is busy with some work. Any moment now and she would arrive. The clock suddenly moved faster now and so grew my impatience. 12:40 and no sign of her. 12:45, still I was sitting alone in the cafeteria without any food and appearing foolish.
At 1:15 PM I finally decided to give up and leave for my office. The hunger had vanished long time back. With heavy heart and weak knees, I got up from my chair and was about to leave that I heard a woman's voice calling my name.
"Atul ??".
I looked back and saw Kavita looking with amusement towards me.
"How come you are in a social place like cafeteria today? Dont you eat your lunch at your desk?" I said, "I was to meet someone but looks like now she will not come."
"Hmm..anyone from our project or anyone I know?", she inquired. I was in a dilemma whether to tell her or not but then knowing that she was the only one I had ever seen speaking to Naz, I thought of telling it to her hoping it might give some clue about Naz as well.
"Yeah, Actually you know her. I was waitng for Naz. We decided to have lunch together today", I replied.
She looked little puzzled as if trying to lay stress on her memory and said in soliloquish manner, "Naz..?? Who??".
"Shehnaz, the girl who gets in our bus from your stop with you" I said trying to aid her memory.
"My stop??". She strained further on her memory. "There is no girl other than me from my stop. There was this one girl who came for one day, mmm.. Oh..ya. I remember now. Her name was Shehnaz. But she came only on the first day and that day evening she told me that she did not like it here and had actually quit the same day. I never saw her after that. Where did you see her?"
I felt like the earth moving under my legs. Trying to calm myself I told her,
" Dont joke Kavita, she boards the bus everyday and sits with me in the bus".
"Atul, are you all right? Everyday I see you sitting alone in the bus while doing your crossword and you appear so busy as if talking to your ownself and so happy about it that, and even though
I hate it but, some people actually make fun of you", Kavita said in a concerned voice.
I felt a shock that I can not describe. I felt so dizzy that I thought I might actually faint. Without saying anything to Kavita and leaving her in a daze too, I came back to my seat, took out today's crossword, went outside again and burnt it.
I never solved a crossword since then and I never saw Naz after that.
